"Several days ago as I left the Bunnings in Rocky, to walk out to my ute and was reaching into my pocket from my car keys... got that sick feeling when I didn't find them there. I desperately gave myself a personal pat down, other pockets, shirt pocket, not there. Turned around real fast and trotted back into Bunnings . I did a quick search in the seats where I had been sitting, nothing. I asked everybody if they had seen my keys... nope. Then it hit me, I must have left them in the ute. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot outside Bunnings.
My wife, Faye has scolded me a thousand times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen if I do that. As I burst through the doors of Bunnings and out into the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty, no ute
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the ute, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all.
"Honey," I stammered. I always call her honey in times like these. "I left my keys in the ute, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Faye's voice.
"Kris," she barked, "I dropped you off at Bunnings on my way to the grocery store!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you come and get me?"
Faye retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince these coppers I have not stolen your fucking ute!!"
A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.
He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.
She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”
He thanked her and went back to his golf.
On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request.
She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.”
Once again he thanked her.
He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar.
He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.”
He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did.
She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.
She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”
“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.
She said, “I sell tampons.”
With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.
She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”
“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”
Confucius Say ...
Man who walk in front of car gets tired, man who walk behind car get exhausted.
Man who not poop for many days must deal with backlog.
Man who cut self while shaving lose face.
Man who leap off cliff, jump to conclusion.
Man with five penises have pants that fit like glove.
Man who walk through airport turnstyle sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who sneeze without tissue takes matter in own hand.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
When mosquito land on testicle, man realize there's always a way to solve problem without violence.
Man who laugh last, not get joke.
Man who live in glass house should get changed in basement.
Constipated man not give a crap.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
Man with hole in both pockets not feel too cocky.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who fart in church, sit in own pew.
Many nails needed to make crib, only one screw needed to fill it.
Woman laid in tomb may become mummy.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Woman who fly upside down, have crack up.
Man who sleep on bed of nails is holy.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
War not determine who right, war determine who left.
Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
Man who go to sleep with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution in hand.
Inventor of shag carpet make big pile.
Man who want pretty nurse must be patient.
Prostitute who like bondage, strapped for cash.
Man who throw dirt losing ground.
Fly which rest on toilet seat get pissed off.
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
Man who fishes in other man's well, often catch crab.
Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.
Man who kisses girl's behind, get crack in face.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
House without toilet is uncanny.
It good to meet girl in park, but better to park meat in girl.
Girl who sit on lap of judge, get honorable discharge.
Wise man not keep sledge hammer and slow computer in same room.
Wise man not play leapfrog with unicorn.
Woman who sinks in man's arms soon has arms in man's sink.
Man who drives like hell bound to get there.
How true is this video!
I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I would pick up a total stranger and asked. "Thanks for the lift, but why would you pick me up? How do you know I'm not a serial killer?"
I told him the chances of two serial killers being in the one car would be astronomical
The club's top bowler, a guy who had won every club championship numerous times, was known for carrying a little black book which regularly consulted during games. Whenever he stood on the mat, with a particularly difficult situation, he would take out this little book and then make a brilliant shot. Eventually he died and there was great interest in this book. many of the club's members approached the man's widow asking what she was planning to do with this legendary book. As a shrewd woman who was also in need of funds, she decided to auction the book off to the highest bidder.
The auction was held at the club and after some very spirited bidding a member, who had often finished second to the now deceased champion, took possession of the much sought after and now quite expensive book. He could scarcely wait to take the book home and puruse its pages at leisure. He sat himself down in his study and began to leaf through the pages - and he found that the pages were blank! He finally came to a single page that had one sentence on it. It said;
"Small circle on the inside."
A man goes into the Job Center in MELBOURNE and sees a notice advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more "Can you please give me some more details about this job?" he asks the male receptionist on the desk.
The receptionist locates the job file papers, and replies. "The job entails you getting female patients ready for the gynecologist.
You'll have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions, then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair; then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $50,000 but you're going to have to go up to BRISBANE ."
The drooling man asks.... "Is that where the job is based?"
"No, that is where the queue ends!"
The following is a radio interview between a female broadcaster and an American General who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
So, General, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''
2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''
3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''
4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.
6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.
9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''